Low Libido: Can Sex Therapy Help?

If you or your partner have a lower sex drive than you'd like, you may have found yourself wondering, "Can sex therapy actually help?"

The short answer is yes—it often can.

Low libido is one of the most common reasons couples seek sex therapy. While every couple's situation is unique, many discover that low desire isn't the problem itself—it's often a symptom of something deeper.

Sex therapy helps couples understand why desire has changed and how to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy in a way that feels safe, connected, and enjoyable for both partners.

What Is Low Libido?

Low libido simply means experiencing less interest in sexual activity than you would like.

Importantly, low libido is not automatically a problem.

Some people naturally have lower levels of sexual desire than others. A relationship can also thrive when both partners are content with infrequent sexual intimacy.

Low libido becomes a concern when it causes:

• distress for you or your partner

• conflict in your relationship

• feelings of rejection or loneliness

• avoidance of intimacy

• worry that something is "wrong"

One of the most reassuring things many couples hear in sex therapy is that differences in sexual desire are incredibly common.

Is It Normal for Couples to Have Different Sex Drives?

Absolutely.

It is far more common for couples to have mismatched libidos than perfectly matched ones.

In long-term relationships, desire naturally changes throughout different seasons of life. Stress, children, aging, medical conditions, work demands, relationship conflict, and life transitions can all affect sexual desire.

Rather than asking,

"How do we make the lower-desire partner want sex more?"

a more helpful question becomes,

"What is happening that makes desire difficult right now?"

That shift often changes the entire conversation.

What Causes Low Libido?

There is rarely one simple answer.

In my work with couples, low libido is usually influenced by several factors interacting together.

Relationship factors

Relationship distress is one of the biggest contributors to changes in sexual desire.

When couples feel disconnected emotionally, unresolved conflict often spills over into their physical relationship.

Common relationship factors include:

• unresolved conflict

• resentment

• feeling emotionally disconnected

• criticism or defensiveness

• lack of trust

• poor communication

This is one reason I often use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Rather than treating sex as an isolated issue, EFT helps couples rebuild emotional safety and connection—the foundation from which healthy intimacy often grows.

Stress and mental load

When your brain is constantly occupied by work, parenting, finances, household responsibilities, or caregiving, it can be difficult to transition into a mindset that welcomes intimacy.

For many people, desire doesn't disappear because they don't love their partner.

It disappears because their nervous system never gets a chance to slow down.

Trauma

Past experiences of sexual abuse, assault, emotional abuse, or other trauma can significantly impact sexual desire.

Trauma can teach the body that intimacy is unsafe.

Sex therapy provides a space to explore these experiences carefully and compassionately without pressure or shame.

Pain During Sex

Pain during intercourse can understandably reduce sexual desire.

If sex has become associated with discomfort, the body naturally begins to avoid it.

Sex therapy can help address the emotional and relational impact of painful sex while also encouraging collaboration with medical providers, such as physicians or pelvic floor physiotherapists, when appropriate.

Erectile Dysfunction

When erectile dysfunction becomes an ongoing concern, many couples begin avoiding intimacy altogether.

Sometimes this avoidance develops because both partners fear disappointment, embarrassment, or failure.

Sex therapy helps couples move away from performance pressure and toward connection, communication, and intimacy that isn't solely focused on erections or intercourse.

Pornography

Pornography affects different people differently, and not everyone who watches pornography experiences problems.

However, for some individuals or couples, pornography can contribute to changes in desire, unrealistic expectations, reduced partnered intimacy, or relationship distress.

In these situations, therapy isn't about assigning blame. Instead, we explore how pornography is functioning within the relationship and whether it is supporting or interfering with the kind of intimacy the couple wants to build together.

Medical Factors

Sometimes low libido has medical contributors, including:

• hormonal changes

• medications (especially some antidepressants)

• chronic illness

• pregnancy and postpartum changes

• menopause

• fatigue

• sleep deprivation

Part of good sex therapy is recognizing when medical assessment should happen alongside counselling.

"If We Just Have More Sex, Won't Our Libido Improve?"

This is one of the most common myths I hear.

While scheduling intimacy or increasing opportunities for connection can be helpful for some couples, simply forcing yourselves to have more sex rarely fixes low desire on its own.

If sex feels pressured, emotionally disconnected, painful, or anxiety-provoking, increasing frequency often creates more frustration rather than less.

Instead, therapy focuses on understanding what is getting in the way of desire.

Sometimes improving the relationship increases sexual desire.

Sometimes reducing stress helps.

Sometimes healing from trauma changes everything.

Sometimes learning a different way of thinking about desire completely reshapes how couples approach intimacy.

Understanding Responsive Desire

One of the most influential books in modern sex therapy is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

One of its key ideas is that not everyone experiences spontaneous desire.

Many people expect desire to work like this:

"I suddenly feel interested in sex."

But for many people—particularly in long-term relationships—desire often works in the opposite direction.

Instead, interest grows after affection, closeness, flirting, touch, emotional safety, or relaxation begins.

This is called responsive desire.

Understanding this difference is often incredibly freeing for couples.

It helps them stop believing something is "broken" simply because desire doesn't appear automatically.

Instead, they begin creating the conditions that allow desire to emerge naturally.

What Happens in Sex Therapy?

Many people imagine sex therapy involves discussing explicit sexual details throughout every session.

In reality, much of sex therapy focuses on understanding your relationship.

Sessions may include:

• exploring your sexual history

• identifying patterns that contribute to desire differences

• improving communication

• rebuilding emotional connection

• understanding attachment needs

• addressing shame surrounding sexuality

• discussing expectations around intimacy

• learning about responsive desire

• developing practical ways to reconnect physically

Depending on your goals, therapy may also include exercises to practice at home that encourage emotional and physical closeness without pressure to perform.

Can Sex Therapy Save a Relationship?

Sometimes.

More importantly, sex therapy can help couples understand what is happening between them.

For many couples, improved emotional connection leads to improved physical intimacy.

For others, therapy helps them have conversations they have avoided for years.

Whether the concern is low libido, painful sex, erectile dysfunction, pornography use, trauma, or simply feeling disconnected, therapy creates space to approach these topics with curiosity instead of criticism.

When Should You Consider Sex Therapy?

You don't need to wait until your relationship feels like it's falling apart.

You may benefit from sex therapy if:

• you and your partner have very different levels of desire

• conversations about sex usually end in conflict

• one partner feels rejected or unwanted

• sex has become painful or anxiety-provoking

• pornography is creating tension in your relationship

• erectile dysfunction is affecting intimacy

• trauma is impacting your sexual relationship

• you feel emotionally disconnected during intimacy

• you miss feeling close to one another

Seeking support early often makes these concerns easier to address.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can low libido be fixed?

Sometimes, yes—but "fixing" libido usually means understanding and addressing the factors contributing to it, rather than simply trying to increase sexual frequency.

Is it normal to lose sexual desire in a long-term relationship?

Yes. Sexual desire naturally changes throughout life and relationships. Significant changes, however, can be worth exploring if they are causing distress.

Does couples counselling help with low libido?

It can. When relationship dynamics contribute to low desire, couples counselling and sex therapy can help improve communication, emotional connection, and intimacy.

Is sex therapy only for married couples?

No. Sex therapy can help dating, engaged, and married couples, as well as individuals who want to better understand their relationship with sexuality.

You're Not Broken—And Neither Is Your Relationship

If your relationship is struggling with low libido, it doesn't necessarily mean you've fallen out of love or that something is permanently wrong.

More often, low desire is an invitation to become curious.

By understanding the emotional, relational, physical, and psychological factors influencing your sex life, many couples find themselves not only improving their sexual relationship, but also strengthening their emotional connection.

If you feel like something is missing in your relationship or your sex life, I'd be honoured to help. I offer online sex therapy for couples throughout Alberta and British Columbia, including Calgary, and would be happy to answer your questions in a consultation to see whether therapy is a good fit for you.